I have a podcast with my dad and yesterday I asked him this question: given your extensive (40+ years) career of working with people as a hypnotherapist, what would be some general catch-all advice for the public based on what you've seen in your cases?
My dad had a big grin as if he was waiting to talk about this, and gave me three points:
- Don't do your best.
- Don't go for 100%.
- Live with ease.
I know why my dad smiled as he gave these counter-intuitive advice; he's been saying this at home for as long as I can remember. But this has many people scratching their heads, shouldn't we do our best? Aren't we encouraged to go for 100%? I think it's important to contextualize these points so we don't have people quitting everything.
This is all advice he gave based on what he's seen in his cases. It's like a physical therapist saying don't overtrain in workouts, because physical therapists are likely to see injuries from overtraining. People are likely to seek hypnotherapy or coaching because they're overworked, overwhelmed, overstretched. And all of the over-xyz's happen because of the desire to give it your all.
Can you imagine a person over-relaxed seeking support for their mental health (I can with one specific case I'll talk about later) ? Or a movie character burnt out working with a boss who is too easygoing? Of course not, because those people tend to be too relaxed and easygoing to have stress to the point of wanting to work through it with someone.
People who do their best typically don't know how to not do their best. People who go for 100% have a very difficult time not going for 100%. People who live hard, with lots of effort are very unlikely to live with ease. But why is that a problem, if it's true the other way around? People who don't do their best typically don't know how to do their best, and so on?
My dad's answer (that I agree with) is, the "work hard" lifestyle lends itself to a weakened mind because it constantly demands more energy to sustain itself. Rest feels like not applying yourself, and there's always something more to get by working hard, so you're always encouraged to go forward without much regard for what happens when you run out of energy. Then after you pass a certain threshold you become mentally ill.
This doesn't mean anything stigmatic, it's just the same as biological immune system. Once you over-exert yourself to the point of stretching out your immune system you'll become sick. Similar to my skin barrier when I struggled with eczema last year, once the barrier is broken even the smallest stress like water flowing from the faucet will tear the skin apart.
In contemporary times the most common example of passing the threshold is burnout. It's almost impossible to see an online discussion about mental health without the mention of burnouts. The fact that so many people are burnt out these days indicates to me that society in general is leaning towards working hard and working towards a set category of goals, presumably in the direction of capitalistic ideals.
Of course we can work with clients who are past that line, in fact that's sort of the entire point of our practices. Although learning the hard way tends to be the best teacher for us, we don't always have to learn things that way and that's why my dad and I both run training programs along with 1:1 work. The 1:1 work is the individualized care that can oversee the cases where the threshold has been passed, and the training programs are preventative educational opportunities.
After talking about these concepts we shared our case studies and it's fascinating to see what the mind-body connection can do to each other. I remember one of my dad's clients unable to move their hand, and in their unconscious there was a deep fear of "if I move my hands again, I have to study". I had a case of "I'm too relaxed" (this is the callback from before), and it turned out to be a case of "I'm afraid to apply myself because I know if I apply myself, I'm going to go 110% and burn out again".
As we shared these stories we had a lot of fun but we also winced at the suffering of our clients. We want the best for you. So here is our gift: because no rules are absolute, the above advice isn't a unilaterally true advice. So to put my spin on it to make it more contextually appropriate, here's what it means:
Don't do your best without learning how to slow down. Appreciate the journey to working towards 100%. Learn how to find the ease in doing difficult things.
You can start working 1:1 with me today, book your starting call now.
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
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