What would happen if I just stopped?
This is something I contemplated quite often across many different topis. I frequently wondered, “what if I just stopped going to school?”. “What if I just stopped going to work?”. “What if I just left America?”. “What if i just got a divorce?”. “What if I stop my Buddhist practices?”. “What if I stopped my life?”.
These are all things I considered and for some of these things, I did stop. But it was towards an anticlimactic result; life kinda kept on going. I thought so much of my life was dependent on me going on, but it wasn’t. Which was a relief and a disappointment all at once.
I think now I’m at the point of knowing reasonably well what will likely happen when I stop everything.
If I stop, I’ll initially wake up a lot earlier than before but way later than 5AM. I’ll occasionally have days where I do the 108 bows, but I will fall out of it more and more.
I’ll progressively become more sensitive to fatigue again, because my body will naturally go towards preferring rest and comfort again. With this, I’ll be more protective of my comfort and show my fangs against anything that comes close to disrupt my comfort (not that my fangs are that sharp to begin with lol).
I’ll get used to the comfort again and I’ll seek more comfort. With that I’ll start seeking more pleasure. I’ll start spending more money on material things to satisfy an inner desire. I’ll sometimes even do it at the expense of other people. I’ll spend less money for others and I will start feeling like I’m not doing enough.
I’ll get into more conflicts with people and start judging them again, because I will get used to retreating into myself and believing in the things I already believe. Opening myself up is hard and I sometimes will risk meeting people I don’t agree with or don’t like; I don’t want to do that, so I want to stay safe.
More and more, I’ll keep on deteriorating the quality of my life simply because I stopped. When I stop living my life, my body and my karma will live it for me. Unfortunately my lived karma was not that kind to me as I was progressing in this world without the dharma.
But what about others?
Without my participation in the world my coworkers will be out of a coworker who does a fair bit of work. Without my YouTube channel there will be one less YouTube channel that talks about mind stuff. Without my practice my clients won’t have someone to talk to who will listen without judgment.
Without my coaching someone will continue to suffer on a day where I could have helped relieve their suffering. Without my business income some nonprofits will be missing regular donations, prompting the founder to do more work to keep their mission alive.
Without my talking about world issues more people will be in the dark about how other groups of people live lives. Without my feeding hungry people, without my volunteering at the shelter some lives will go hungry.
Now, when I lay it all like that, I don’t quite want to stop. And I’m not saying all of this to be a doomer or because I have a particularly low opinion of myself. I actually can see how all of these will naturally unfold, simply because it is the nature of human mind to seek endlessly starting with survival and comfort.
So there is no question about stopping. In fact, what is there to stop? This is life itself. I am not doing anything particularly special.