Last month I entered into a writing contest. It was the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition where you submit a small humorous essay. At the time I told myself “why not?” and just submitted it for the sake of it. I was deeply into the craft of writing at the time and I could use the experience of crafting a writing (which is different from my usual writings where I just dump my feelings like this).
After that I kinda forgot about it. Then out of the blue I got an email about it: my essay wasn’t submitted. This makes a ton of sense, and I’m not trying to be dismissive to myself; if I had won I also would think it makes a lot of sense because I do spend a lot of time thinking about writing and writing. But at the same time there are more people who take the craft of writing more seriously than I do. So in both cases it makes sense.
But at the same time I noticed some hurt within me. I didn’t think about this, but inside of me my heart had gently laid down some expectations. I unconsciously coveted the experience of “winning” because I equated it to “good”, and now I felt the karmic consequence of it. I felt bad.
With this feeling bad I was able to clearly see something: I had been protected from this kind of feeling because I was avoiding and procrastinating throughout my life. I pre-decided that I wasn’t going to get things and didn’t bother to try. At the time I was frustrated with this part of myself, but in the face of this feeling bad I haven’t felt in a very long time I’m able to see just how loving and protective I have been.
This tendency does block me and prevent certain paths of my life from happening, for sure. But just like two sides of a coin it also protects me and I don’t want to be dismissive about this trait. A criminal can do a good deed, and a good person do an immoral act. The protective tendency does something good for me while blocking my growth.
Let’s call this protective Billy Pilly (P because protective). In the face of this “failure” how does Pilly respond? In the past I think I heard Pilly say something along the lines of “I told you this would happen”. And I took that personally, I took that as “Pilly is trying to shame me and oppress me. Pilly doesn’t want me to do ANYTHING!” but now my perspective is a bit different. Pilly is simply saying, “when you enter to win you’ll be disappointed to lose and delighted to win. I’ve told you that before, you took your chance, and now we have the outcome as I had said”.
Pilly’s right. I didn’t know it at the time, but I entered to win, I entered because there was a potential in gaining something. Pilly’s helping me see underneath my thoughts, he’s helping me see myself as I truly am. Pilly is asking me right now, “What do you want to do now? Do you want to enter into more writing contests?”.
My answer is, why not? If something comes up it will be another opportunity to face my true self underneath my thoughts. And every time I get to meet myself I walk away with wisdom I can use for the rest of my life.
When you encounter your own Pilly, the question is this: “Do I need to be protected right now?”.
I don’t need help getting around at the moment. But when I have bad knee pain after 1080 bows, I need help from my wife to get around the house at times. My jiu jitsu teammates can generally fend for themselves, but when they’re sick they need to be protected.
Do you need to be protected? This is a simple question but when the answer is “no”, then there are responsibilities that fall on your shoulder. You WILL encounter what you’ve been protecting yourself from when you stop protecting yourself. The need to be protected is different from the desire to be protected, and as you work with your Pilly that will be where the bulk of the work lies.
You will encounter feelings you haven’t experienced in a long time. You will have to push through with your day even if you’re feeling all the backlash. I believe you have it in you to go through it and come out on the other side; but do you believe in it for yourself? Do you have a strong reason to go through for yourself?
Get some time with me and learn where you are at in terms of self-protection. Get into touch again with your reason to move forward in your life. I’m ready for you and I’m just waiting on your next move. #Book time with me.
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
