I was on a road trip with my wife to San Diego. I don’t know what it is about this moment but something about it is so memorable. I was complain-vent-whining about how difficult it was to run a coaching business, how I never feel like I’m good enough, and how I’m always playing catch-up with my teachers.
The last point was the interesting point. I don’t want to play catch-up with my teachers because (thanks big ego) I want to be the best. When I told my wife this ambitious dream she gave me such an astute observation: you’re the best when you’re universally acknowledge as the best. But this means that all the people who are acknowledging you aren’t the best. So you’re effectively celebrated by people who are less than you, and what worth does that have?
At that time I felt a DEEP shift inside of me thanks to my wife’s perfect explanation of the Hegelian lord-serf dialectic. In my heart I was still very judgmental at the time, and because I judged other people and disrespected the opinions of those who were “lower” than me I could clearly see how I was setting myself up for a deep disappointment.
To listify what I was setting myself up for,
- I don’t respect the opinions of those who are lower than me.
- I want the approval of those who are higher than me.
- The ultimate approval is admission that I am higher than them.
- This makes them lower than me and we now loop back to #1.
This shift helped me get set up for the moment I realized I can’t keep waiting for other people to give me validation and approval. That came a few months later as I was struggling in my business but I don’t think I would have landed at that moment if it wasn’t that car conversation I had with my wife.
Now let’s talk some Buddhism. When I work with clients I get them to notice the pattern of suffering they have in their hearts. The deeper the suffering goes, it ultimately converges towards one point: attachment to the self. This is such a core element of suffering that it even has a specific name in Korean Buddhism called “Ah-Jip”, where “Ah” means self and “Jip” means attachment.
What’s an example of ahjip? When you have an argument with your spouse or significant other it’s so difficult to admit that they are right over the most trivial things. In fact, I’d even argue that you’d have an easier time conceding to a stranger about the same point; yet the person you grit your teeth to win over is the love of your life!
Another grand category of suffering is another insistence and attachment: attachment to dharma. This sounds less intuitive but what it means is you believe super hard in my way is the high way. This is called “Bop-Jip’”, where “Bop” means the dharma.
The thing with validation and approval is, it’s like the perfect mix of these two grand conundrums of life. You need other people to approve that YOU are RIGHT. It’s so hard to resist the temptation of approval and validation because it just feels SO GOOD to have them. It’s like the ultimate dopamine for your unconscious mind.
My Buddhist teacher has this gut check for whether you’re practicing for true freedom from suffering or for another ulterior motive: he gives permission to skip practice for a bit. If you take this super happily with relief that means there was a part of you that always wanted to stop practicing, but if you were taking practice as a part of your happy life then you have no reason to welcome that invitation.
So similar to that, think of the reaction you’ll have when someone tells you: “Hey, you’re doing great and it’s awesome what you’re doing”. Isn’t that legit nice? But alas, that is the trap! Because that implies you unconsciously desire validation and approval!
Why that’s so sneakily bad is, unconscious desires keep on influencing our decision making process and it encourages us to do actions that encourage others to validate us. It unintentionally makes us manipulative and perhaps more importantly, desperate like we’re at the mercy of other people. It robs us of our inner authority.
Getting over this need is, like I said, likely to be a long and arduous journey. But it doesn’t have to be a journey of suffering, as long as we see it as an ideal point we can converge towards instead of an ideal we will never get to.
To help you in this journey I am available for your hiring. I truly believe my work is special and unique in getting you to live a happy life. Book time with me or email me at billy@julylifecoach.com and we can get started.
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
