It's week 3 of April, and the rather dramatic title is due to an event from yesterday: I competed at a jiujitsu competition.
I "quit" competitions in 2022, when I fainted after a match due to stress. The overwhelming pressure made me lose control of my legs and shortly after my consciousness just gave out.
Then I became a Buddhist and started practicing, explored the depths of myself to learn how to do things I don't want to do. Eventually there came a decision point in my jiujitsu career: if I apply my Buddhist practices to jiujitsu, can I compete again and treat it like a practice?
So for the past few months I've been preparing for this competition both physically and mentally. I always tell people to break out of your known version of yourself, and how hypocritical of me would it be to sit in my comfort zone just telling other people how to live? I don't want to live like that.
I was surprised at how present I was yesterday prior to the match. The waiting didn't mess my vibe up, my physical fatigue did not discourage me, but as the match time came closer and closer I felt a sense of lingering fear that I thought would go away if I warmed up.
So I warmed up with my teammate friend who drove me to the venue. And surprisingly the more I warmed up, the more I worked up a sweat the more I felt the familiar feeling of "I don't want to do this". I asked my friend to stop the warm up and as I continued watching the matches I looked inside.
I've felt this before, this overwhelming sense of wanting to give up and go home. I know what happens after that: regret. I've felt it in meditation countless times. But yesterday was the time I finally understood why this strong impulse existed in the first place. In the depths of my meditation inside the competition place I found an unexpected answer: I felt like I was going to die if I go into competition.
I was afraid to die.
Thankfully I've done enough rides of the Billy's Mind Rodeo to know that this was simply a nightmare of fear. I collected myself and I started feeling thankful for my life even if it ends here today. I appreciated everything that happened to lead me here today and even if I die I will die a happy man, having lived a happy life doing something he loved doing.
Turns out not being afraid of death is really great at helping you maintain your clarity and focus. But enough about that: here's all the things I want you to check out this week!
The Still Point
A great way to learn meditation is to learn what meditation IS NOT. Meditate with certainty and clarity using this interactive tool!
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The Action Bundle
Two of my most important works that kick your butt (softly) into doing things that you really want to be doing with your life. And a bonus. All in one bundle!
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May You Offer
Solve the simplest business problem you can solve today, 108 times, throughout the month of May. OFFER.
The best thing you can do for your business in the month of May.
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Want to build like this?
If you want to build online experiences like this for yourself but don't have the technical knowledge to do so, check out my technical services!
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That's it for this week's digest, and I hope you're having a wonderful weekend. Please let me know what you think about anything, or reply if you just want to chat as friends!
Love,
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
