(I’m practicing a new style of writing)
In hindsight, the words I heard were simple. “Why did you put this out here?”. It’s a simple seven-word question and the answer would be as simple as the question: whatever reason I put it out there. But at the time the question was asked, I answered with a non-answer. “Why? Should I have put it somewhere else?”.
How my wife looked at me changed as I answered to her. Her eyelids half closed with this gravity that seems to drag down with her sigh, quietly moving the piece of paper that was on the table. At that time, why did I not answer the question? Why did I answer the way I did? How did I feel at that time?
The trainings I do at my Buddhist order have no reason to be difficult. They are question driven and all we have to do is answer them earnestly. The dharma teachers will respond accordingly, and the process continues on and on. The central question that I wrestled with this time was, “how do I feel?”.
This is such a simple question that is difficult to answer. Actually, just to add something on top of that description, it’s a simple question that is difficult to answer honestly. We have this go-to answer we fall back to every time we are asked about our day. “Good”, “Can’t complain”, “So-So”, “Not bad”, et cetera. Then to our more intimate friends we can be a bit more open about how we really feel.
What happens when this question is asked over and over through the course of different activities? I personally found myself confused about what I was feeling. I don’t feel particularly bad? But at the same time do I feel super? I’m peaceful, I guess? It took me a few days to realize what I was feeling was simply “confused”.
Over and over I ask myself, “how do I feel?”. The better I get at identifying how I feel at the moment, the more at ease I feel even if the feeling isn’t necessarily a positive one. Why? Because I’m sensing my feelings go up and down the positive/negative over and over and over. I know this up won’t last, and I know this down won’t last. Things happen, and how I feel (for better or for worse) doesn’t care about how I think I should feel. It makes each point of feeling have less weight.
With sufficient proficiency in identifying feelings, I can go back to some earlier points in my life and wonder how I felt during those times. I’ll write a bit more about specific recollections but going back to the beginning of this writing. What was I feeling as I heard the words, “Why did you put this out here?”.
I was feeling defensive. I was feeling caught off guard. I was feeling like I needed to save myself with a reason that a subjugator would be convinced by. Like that scene in Hunchback of Notre Dame. Judge Claude Frollo reviews the alphabet with Quasimodo. Frollo recites a letter and Quasimodo replies with a word that starts with that letter.
“A?” “Abomination!”
”B?” “Blasphemy!”
”C?” “Contrition!”
”D?” “Damnation!”
”E?” “Eternal Damnation!”, Quasimodo winks.
”F?” “Festival — Forgiveness!”.
With that feeling in my heart I make myself a victim, I live in a world where I am suffering from living with a subjugator. But in the same situation when the same question is asked, with a clear mind and heart at ease I can reply: “I must have forgotten to put it back into place. Sorry!”.
When Wonhyo, the ancient Korean monk who happens to be my direct ancestor, passed a rainy night in a dark cave on his way to China to study more Buddhism he drank a bucket of water that tasted so sweet in his parched mouth. He nearly had a heart attack when in the morning the light revealed that the bucket was none other than a human skull containing still water. Same water, same bucket — what was different? He realized the truth he popularized, “all only mind make; As being created by mind alone”, and stopped his journey to China for he learned everything there was to learn.
Answer in honesty, and practice answering in honesty: How do you feel?
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
