I used to be a very introverted person wanting to change that. i found myself frequently thinking, "if I do X, then I'll naturally have more opportunities to talk to people". But what actually happened when I did X was, I just kept to myself in a different location.
I thought having a job would make me more outgoing compared to college, because I was really a self-imposed loner then. But I was the same me at the job. I thought starting a hobby would make me more outgoing, but I was the same me at the woodworking shop. Over time I've accumulated more and more new environments to be me at.
Things changed over the years and I've gotten to become more natural around people and here's something I realized after the fact: I can always work with people inside the environment that I'm already in, and I can always connect with people inside the environments I used to be in. Here's how that can work for you.
We're tempted to start things for a certain motive. For example, you may want to join the gym to become fitter and healthier. But often times our motives and the things we pursue don't align. For example, one might want to join a book reading club in the hopes of making a romantic relationship. One might want to join a trivia club in the hopes of selling something to other people.
These types of mismatched intent and purpose can lead to a lot of inner struggle especially if you're dealing with social anxiety or loneliness. So if you find yourself seeking to participate in other activities because you're interested in making social connections, I think a safer way to practice doing that is to utilize the social environments you're already a part of.
Let's think about it. All the people you will get to know in the future will eventually people you know. So if you know how to strike up conversations with people you already know, you're kind of futureproof when it comes to making conversation!
Now let's talk about how to actually talk to people. I frequently say that loneliness is less about other people not wanting you, it's surprisingly more about you not wanting other people. We can frequently find ourselves not knowing what to say, not wanting to say anything to others.
There are millions of conversation tools out there already. What we have to realize is none of that is useful if you don't want to talk to others in the first place.
You don't need to WANT to talk to others. But if someone strikes up a conversation or you need to talk to someone, it's nice to be able to have the ability to do so. It's about having the freedom to choose to talk or not. Most of us experiencing social anxiety tend to be on the opposite end of explicitly not wanting to talk to other people.
When I worked on my social anxiety I used a reframe. I really enjoy gaming and I especially enjoy playing RPGs. In RPG's there are these characters called NPCs, or non-playable characters. I'm the type of person to talk to every single NPC in hopes of a hidden quest, hint, or treasure (thanks Final Fantasy). My coach suggested to me, what if you thought of your neighbors and coworkers as NPC's who can help you with your quest?
Since I knew exactly what NPC interactions were like, it surprisingly made it so easy to talk to others. I imagined exclamation points above their heads and text bubbles forming as they spoke. Just like this, a classic reframe can help you turn an unwillingness to talk to others into a fun quest.
Aside from reframing, another perspective I want to offer is this. We usually avoid others because we have either too high of an opinion of ourselves or we have too low of an opinion on ourselves. So talking to others annoys us because it's a waste of time since people suck compared to us, or it has the risk of people finding out about our inner shame.
A perfectly good way to work with both of these cases is being of value to others. When you help another person out, when you volunteer, when you work together with people to solve a big problem, you naturally rely on your inner resources and talents. You may think you're not that talented at anything or useful, but based on my experience around volunteering what I find is that nonprofits and good causes are most limited by the lack of manpower.
Your literal existence and general able-bodiedness to do a bit of work here and there is massively appreciated by people who organize good causes. Being in service is so great for:
- Connecting to your community
- Realizing how capable and valuable you are just as you are
- Helping others receive vital benefit from your resources
- Getting to know people for as little or well as you want
Connecting this with talking to people you already know, try reaching out to people you know with something you can help with. If you don't have anything to help with, share a little bit about how you're doing and ask them how they're doing; I'm willing to bet most people are generally lacking in human to human witnessing and connection, and that's a great service you can do for others.
Look at their social media feeds and see if any of them need help with anything. Ask them more about causes they're supporting. If you have a good hookup you can plug people with, offer it to people and use that as an opportunity to learn a little bit more about their life.
As you can see here, this again relies on a bit of willingness. Like I said above you don't need to want to talk to others. So if you're not in a rush, this can be a general outlook on how you interact with the people in your life. When they need help and if you're the first person willing to help, it will be a great way to connect to people in a genuine way.
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
