Today I’m writing to convince you that the work that actually gives you confidence is in the struggles of working through the work.
I find myself preparing for interviews these days. I don’t really have big plans to apply to 10,000 jobs but when an opportunity comes I want to be ready. In that sense I’m also studying French not because someone’s demanding it right now, but I want to be ready.
The last time I interviewed for a job was like, almost a decade ago. I had a really bad relationship with interviews because I am naturally an over-worrier and I held myself in a really high standard where I just can’t fail. I remember having a virtual interview and being so nervous, I had to pause the interview to go throw up in the restroom. This was in the comfort of my own fucking room. Isn’t that wild?
Since then I’ve changed my ways a lot. I stopped worrying so much about things I can’t control. I’ve accepted that I am a person that cam definitely face shortcomings and failures, and all I need to do is just improve the odds of success to the degree I can.
I spoke to an engineering director in Paris for the sake of just learning more about the job market in France, since based on my research the most accessible way for me to move there would be to get a job. Prior to speaking with this person I wrote my introductory note in French. I’m like, okay enough with French to just write a simple, cordial hello note.
Then I noticed this worry come up: what if they respond in French and I don’t understand? This made me want to delete what I wrote and just write the whole thing in English.
What I want to go in depth with today is, 1) what this worry actually signifies and 2) how to not have these kinds of worries.
The origin of this worry goes somewhere along the lines of:
- I present myself as being able to speak French
- I set myself up for the next conversation to be fully in French
- They speak to me in full 100% Parisian speed French and I can’t understand them (which happens every week when I talk with my Parisian conversation practice partners)
- I look at them in confusion and they realize I’m a fucking poser
- I go bury my head in the sand in shame
There are numerous thought errors here. Just because somebody can say hello to me in Korean, do I naturally jump to the conclusion that they’re 100% fluent in Korean especially when I know that they’re NOT Korean? If someone says hello to me in Korean do I define all future conversations with this person in Korean? Will I jump to my Korean southern accent to them instead of trying to use the standard Seoul dialect slowly? If they can’t speak more Korean than that am I going to think they’re stupid? It’s so easy to see how unrealistic these kinds of assumptions are.
But I have them in my reality because they have something I want: living in France and speaking French. This is the mechanism of desire; when you have something you covet, you instantly put yourself on the lower end of the rung compared to the people who have it.
Noticing is everything, and because I notice the silliness of this argument I can stop participating in it. So I just sent the note in French. Yes, being in France would be nice but I’m not going to subject myself to an inner superiority/inferiority binary because life in America is already more than enough for me. Even if life in America isn’t enough, I still have somewhere to go to: Korea. I have no reason to make myself small.
Continuing down the line of thought, how do I not participate in these types of thoughts? Because speaking French is just the tip of the iceberg. What if I worry about technical interviews? What if I worry about culture fit conversations? I want you to notice that the general pattern of these worries is, I want the next opportunity to be the life changing opportunity.
I am NOT in a rush. What I am looking for is experiences and broadenings of my horizons. Even if I don’t get this opportunity, I am not going to make it my last attempt and give up. Why? Because I am the one in charge of continuously making opportunities happen.
It would be nice if the next opportunity turned out to be the life changing one. But at the same time, I see the downsides of that happening because I would only get one experience at interviewing before something works for me. What if I luck out this time, but soon get unlucky and get paid off? I definitely won’t feel ready or prepared for the interview at that time (this actually happened to me in the past).
My wish for myself is to be a wise person who is ready and equipped. And through my journey to being that wise, ready person, I understand the only way to being that person is to continuously put myself in opportunities and positions to learn. At times, it will be met with success. At other times, it will be met with failure.
But success and failure are not what I’m looking for. I’m looking to continue playing this game of life until I can’t. Success or failure becomes important when I’m looking to stop playing. I won’t stop playing, I want to get more experience, opportunities, chances to be more informed and prepared for the wildest possibilities this life will give me.
Many think confidence comes from credentials and proofs of achievements. Those can contribute to confidence. What if we look at attempting and learning from something 1000 times? With that, I think it’s practically impossible for you to not be confident. Make confidence inevitable by giving a shit and applying yourself to the opportunities, and learning from it: win or lose.
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
