Today I got a question that became more interesting the more I thought about it. The question, paraphrased by me, is basically: "how do I talk to people online, in a way I can connect to them?".
Why this question is so interesting to me is because I never had this difficulty, and that's less of a brag but more of a tell on how chronically online I've been from an early age. So I consulted my wife on what she thinks about this question, because she's also online a lot and she has a different perspective from me.
She told me, "doesn't it depend on what platform and context you're on?" and as I reviewed my conversations with people I also found it to be true. For example, I write a certain way when I write to you here in my writings and this is pretty much how I actually talk to other people.
But when you look at my discord conversations with my friend, it looks very different.
And how I talk on Reddit when I coach people there also looks different:
This makes sense, because if you booked coaching time with me and I spent the whole time memeing and joking around about things it wouldn't really be appropriate. Also vice versa; if you're talking to me as a friend and I keep giving you coaching that wouldn't be a pleasurable exchange.
So it's about reading the room and learning how to speak like a person in the room. I think I have some advantages to this because I'm a very aural person, as in I process a lot of my thinking by saying things out loud in my head (what a weird sentence). I'm really good at impersonations and when I watch a season of a show I frequently find myself talking like the characters in the show. When I join a new online space because I'm reading all the conversations out loud in a voice, it helps me speak in that voice.
But tone is but one component of the bigger picture. What do we want to say with the tone? Since I'm a teacher of Buddhist dharma it's important for me to remind you that we're looking for the middle way. If I'm saying a bunch of things to you in a friendly tone but I'm not saying anything of substance that wouldn't really be a meaningful conversation for you. But sharing with you a meaningful thought in my life by shouting in your ears isn't necessarily good either. We want to think about delivery and message.
We still have one other piece of the question left. How do we connect to people? Connecting with others seems like it's a two way street, we need a mutual feeling of connection for us to say "we are connected". But how do we get to that state when we aren't connected?
Moreover, I don't know about you but when I was a young emo man battling through depression and loneliness everything I wanted was connection with other people. I learned very quickly that nothing is quite off-putting as approaching someone desperate to be a friend with them. It made me clingy, it reinforced my people pleasing patterns, and I was always anxious.
Then a decade later I learned this illuminating piece of dharma: what if relationships aren't as mutual as I thought? A friend is a person I decided is a friend. When I'm a true friend to someone, I can understand everything they do and love them regardless of what they do. A friend who is only a friend when the other person is being a friend is more of a transactional relationship than a genuine friendship.
After learning this I decided that I want to be a true friend to people. I thought of all the people I lost friendships over the years because they weren't reaching out to me or being nice to me. I repented my selfish friendship and vowed to continue being their friend, even if we don't keep in touch all the time. That's what true friends can do. Then I took this commitment to the future: I'm going to preemptively decide that I am everyone's friend.
I can confidently tell you that this was the single best decision I made in my life. Life became so much happier because I was surrounded by friends. And I think this is something I take to the online world, and it is a big part of how I became fearless online. I don't think about what I will lose out on by investing my time and energy into people, because I don't think about that kind of stuff with my friends.
So in conclusion, balancing tone and message along with the intention of being a friend. I think that's how you talk to people online. All of this is very important in my upcoming program Launch Pad starting on January 17th, and we're going to put it into practice instead of just talking about it.
Join Launch Pad and make the knowledge your own!
Launch Pad isn't just a re-teaching of the Reddit course. It's about actually building the launching pad for everything you will do by OVERCOMING YOUR RESISTANCES. You know that feeling of needing to do something and suddenly finding your dishes so attractive? How about setting up your website and suddenly working on your offer instead? It's so tempting to step away from the computer and take a walk perhaps.
I know exactly how you feel because I was exactly in your shoes before. I made my Reddit course with the hopes that it will be the launch pad for everyone, because it ended up being the launch pad for me. But through the past 3 years I've had the course up it didn't have the impact I thought it would have on people, and that's what ultimately motivated me to think: maybe what the people need isn't specific knowledge but an overall practice of building the launch pad.
Let's get to work together. I'm going to bring my A-game into leading you and all I need from you is the commitment.
