When I coach people, it would be nice if I got results for everybody as I work with them. This happens sometimes, but my goal is not getting them results unless their desired result is the lack of suffering. What I cultivate with my clients is the fundamental understanding around what makes suffering happen and how you sustainably deal with suffering so you can pick your pathway to complete happiness.
I am always in awe at the people who pick up after the Buddhist practices after working with me, even though I’m the one showing them the path. They never knew Buddhism before me but they learn the dharma and it’s just crystal clear that this is the only obviously happy way to live life. But for others, old habits die hard and there is a lot of resistance to life changes and that’s okay. I don’t need them to change today, I just need to show them the way one dharma at a time.
When it comes to online coaching, for example Reddit or Facebook groups I participate in, of course I treat them like my clients when I’m talking to them but regardless of how much I attempt, I can’t guarantee that they will understand my point. So what are the two types of resistances when it comes to coaching, and how do we get around them?
The first type of resistance is an active resistance. They get upset with my feedback because their worldview is so strongly bound to their core identity, any other worldview seems like a threat and a challenge to their ego. When this is pointed out, again it is interpreted as a personal attack and the defensive layers go up higher and higher.
They start nitpicking my points, which in itself is a great thing because I want them to understand my point completely without any lingering doubt. So while I’m happy to participate in the answers to the nitpicks, they keep coming from an intention to prove me wrong. Gotcha traps get set up and words start getting put in my mouth. Assumptions get made and I get accused of gaslighting. Which is all fine, because from their perspective I am effectively gaslighting them.
If they’re so adamant about keeping their worldview, they want to be right. But if they’re that right, then… Shouldn’t they be happy in their lives? If we have our way, isn’t that good for us? When things are good for us, isn’t the prime evidence of that… Happiness? This is a very important checkpoint we reach when we do Sǒn meditation: when we think we’re right… Are we right?
The second type of resistance is a passive resistance. This type of resistance is marked by a key phrase: “I don’t know”. The crazy thing is, that phrase and the state of not knowing is the ultimate destination of Sǒn meditation but unfortunately many people default to that phrase without an actual awakening. What about that phrase is so resistant? The phrase is great if it’s followed by, “so let’s keep inquiring”. But it’s such a resistant phrase when it’s not followed by… anything.
A coaching conversation goes on. I ask questions about their beliefs. It’s met with the response “I don’t know”. Since not knowing is not a sin or anything like that, I remind them that there are two types of “I don’t know”. One is knowledge based, like the formula to calculate the area of a sphere if you haven’t brushed up on your math in a while. The other is related to inner experiences, like “why are you anxious right now?”. The answer doesn’t live outside of you, it lives inside of you and the only reason you don’t know is, you’re not listening to yourself.
So I tell them, there is no way you don’t know what is happening inside of you. There is no need to provide a right answer because there isn’t one; it’s a simple inquiry, about why they think or feel a certain way. Some people go in and start asking themselves and arrive at the next answer. But others… They stop and they don’t continue looking.
And their life goes on. Without any more inquiry into their state, they just keep accepting what they think reality should be and their limitations, their struggles, their suffering — they think there is no way out of it. Which is a bit wild in my opinion because if something truly has no way out of it, like the guarantee of death, then doesn’t it make sense to accept and not suffer? I came to terms with death after fearing it for thirty something years and all I’m thinking now is, “why didn’t I do this sooner?!”.
When you think you don’t know, you actually know. You know a lot more than you think. But do you believe in yourself… Enough to listen to your answers and reasoning?