Many people ask me “How to” questions. Today I’m going to cut through all the fluff and just deliver the news: “How to do X” implies that you don’t really want to do X.
Think of a kid trying to open a jar of cookies on the countertop. They're too short to reach for the cookies like an adult, but when they really want cookies that's not going to stop them; they're going to continue looking for tools and such to achieve their goal. They're not going to ask "mom, how do I get to that jar of cookies myself?".
Or two horny teenagers. They're not going to wait until they can get to a more appropriate place to experience themselves; they're going to find a way to do that somewhere, somehow under whatever intimate environment they can find (or can't find). They're not going to ask "but how do we find a place to make out?".
I do a Buddhist daily practice of waking up at 5AM and doing 108 bows, then meditating for 10 minutes. This is a practice that everyone in our Buddhist order does. But needless to say this is a difficult thing to do so many people ask the leader of our order for ways to wake up at 5AM, how to make 108 bows easy, how to sit longer in meditation and so on. But what is the underlying complaint under all of these "how to" questions? It's that you don't want to do it. The practices being very difficult make that unconscious phenomenon more visible at the surface level.
Suppose I'm telling you about baking a ciabatta. You respond, "oh man, I want to learn how to do that but I don't know where". I say I'll teach you, you can buy the yeast and flour from a grocery store and look at YouTube's abc channel and such. You respond "But how do you actually put the pieces together? There are so many steps". I tell you the videos usually have a pretty detailed written guide. You respond "But how do you know if it will work?".
By the 10th "how-to" question, this become easier to answer: in this hypothetical scenario, do you want to bake a ciabatta or are you more interested continuously asking questions about it? Simplified even more, in the dichotomy of wanting to do something vs. not, do you think you want to bake a ciabatta or no?
This is the first thing you must see within yourself: You don’t actually want to do it. Unless that changes, you will forever be stuck with the problem. Either recognize your wishes and drop the desire itself, or do it regardless of whether you want to or not. But if you’re going to do it regardless of whether you want to or not, then isn’t it better to want to do it?
This invites the question “then how do I want to do it?”. Is there a way to want something? You just do or don't. This isn't an overly complicated matter. I'm not inviting you to think differently, I don't really care if you change your mind or not (meaning my happiness isn't dependent on whether you listen to me or not). I'm explaining the mechanics of suffering to you, and telling you what's responsible for your suffering. It's like you're holding on to a hot cup and you're saying it's so hot! I'm telling you to let go, and you're responding "but how do I want to let go?".
A nuance hidden within the “how do I” question is, “how do I do something well / right?”. This means you’d rather not do anything if it means you’re going to do something wrong. Who’s the owner of your life? You or being right? You or being good? Are you going to wait for someone else to tell you how to live all your life? What happens when nobody tells you the right answer?
There is a severe lack of ownership in people’s lives in general because while society’s improvements have made it so much easier to chase the desires, the education around the consequences of chasing the desire have yet to catch up. It all starts with you, finding who you are. When I call your name, who responds? When you feel bad, who is the person feeling bad? When I put you up to a challenge, who is the person with the resistance?
Use resistance to find yourself, and day by day connect to the power that enables you to move your life. Your life is lived for you, and it has to be lived by you. Find yourself. It sounds hard and feels hard, but when you find yourself you’ll find that hard doesn’t mean anything at all in your life. If you know what to work on to overcome your resistance, go ahead and go do that. It can be studying, it can be cleaning your room, it can be going out and talking to more people. But if you want a general foundation on finding yourself so that you can be equipped for anything. follow my guide to Buddhist practices.