Yesterday I went to the office. I usually talk about work on the days I go to the office but 1) I haven’t been to the office in a while and 2) I wanted to talk about something else yesterday so here I am today, talking about my work day. Yet the title of the writing is “Repenting For Love”. What gives?
I wanted to use yesterday’s visit as an in-person catchup. Normally I’d just sit on the computer, do my work, and go home but yesterday I made it a point to move around and say hi to as many people as possible. I don’t really keep my life coaching life under the hood, but I also don’t go around advertising it; I don’t know how word gets around but everybody wanted to talk to me about life coaching.
So over lunch I talked to some coworkers about life coaching. We first started discussing my life, and pretty soon the topics changed to discussing problems with their individual lives. And as the problems surface up I sort of can’t stop myself from solving them because to me it’s an opportunity to reduce the total amount of suffering from the world, which is like my life goal.
We talk about habits, perfectionism, careers, and eventually land on one topic: relationships. Specifically around the question of, when there is a conflict and I agree with the other person and act as they want me to, why do I burn out as time goes by? If I agree to go with what the other person wants, shouldn’t it be good for me?
Well, the observed output from the situation is burnout which means there has to be some incongruence (more writing about that here). I think I agree with this person but underneath my consciousness I secretly don’t agree with this person. But my coworker told me more about their life and it was slightly different, it’s not that they don’t agree with that person but it’s just that there’s a baseline difference of how they operate as a human being vs. the other person.
For example (my favorite example), in a typical hetero relationship there is a fight between peeing with the toilet seat up or down. I can agree with my wife that peeing while sitting down is a good idea, but somehow when I’m tired or occupied with a thought I pee standing up out of habit. This inevitably leads to a conflict and I get a bit frustrated because it’s not like I’m peeing standing up on purpose but it’s just a strong habit I have, and I’m being punished for something I’m not aware of.
At this state there is a conscious recognition of the problem but it hasn’t reached the unconscious yet. To reach the next state there needs to be some effort and investment to make the commitment more personal. When one person demands something from us, it’s so easy for us to complain that they’re demanding something from us when we’re just there. What we frequently don’t see is how the person is demanding for a reason from their perspective. They are just there, and you enter their life and you give them a grievance; that’s what’s prompting the demand in the first place but we only think about the receiving end of the demand.
Why does my wife want me to pee sitting down? I need to try to understand that from her perspective. I can make some adjustments to my underwear so I have to sit down (sorry, I’m a little extreme) or I can have my wife kick me in the nuts if I pee standing up for a week. When I experience what it’s like to normally sit down and pee, suddenly I can see how the toilet seat being up is gross and tedious.
A physically weaker person may be bullied by a physically strong person. But while they can be physically bullied, the will cannot be dominated; no matter how much the physically strong person harasses the weak, the weak can always resist with the mind. So one might say the one who resists is the mentally bigger person because they are able to withstand the stress provided by the mentally smaller person.
But the ultimate BIGGEST person is different. They don’t just withstand the stress; they embrace the stress and choose to LOVE the stressor. They are able to see that the stressor doesn’t engage in such actions out of the blue, and they lament the situation the stressor finds themselves in. They understand why they act that way and offers compassion even if they may be physically harmed.
So true conflict resolution comes not from compliance but love. Forced compliance will cause burnout and is not a sustainable solution. As I was talking about this, love was on my mind — then lunch ended. I proceeded to go back to the desk and go to some meetings.
Every day I pray to repent my previous day. What did I fall short on, compared to my commitments? What precept did I break, if any? How did I let my anger control me, if it did? So I’m used to repenting in a short term manner.
Yesterday in the meeting room I suddenly felt a surge of repentance. Maybe it’s because a collaborator mentioned that they’ve been working with us for over 7-8 years and this is one of the longest relationships they’ve had with a company. That made me remember my working life 7-8 years ago, when I was so judgmental and full of hatred.
I remember feeling so miserable because I was surrounded by incompetent idiots. They had no passion in life it seemed, they weren’t good at their jobs, but somehow they were getting by. These were sincerely the things I was thinking at the time, and as I look back with the perspective of love — oh, how remorseful I felt for my past days! All these lovely people, who are so precious they make me want to cry, I spent so much of my professional life hating them.
Along with this regret and repentance came a huge surge of relief as I recognized that I’m not in that kind of a relationship with these wonderful people anymore. I love all of my coworkers and I wish to celebrate all of them in their precious living moments. I got to experience them at this time and boy is that a wonderful thing.
What if I never opened my eyes? What if I spent my entire life in hatred? I think I would have died miserably in regret, for I have just constantly lived in the pain of hating other people. With the love I have for everyone now I can die happily knowing I loved as much as I could.
It breaks my heart that India and Pakistan are engaged in military conflict. The more I look into the history of the two nations the more I recognize it in my own history of being a Korean: brothers and sisters forced to fight each other due to interests of other parties. Sending the young to die in the arms of people who are about to find out the weight of taking another person’s life. A lifetime of recovery from the wounds of war for them, while the commanders sit in their golden thrones.
Today the new pope was elected. I watched the movie Conclave recently. At the end there is a quote: “When you say we have to fight, what is it you think we're fighting? ... The thing you're fighting is here... inside each and every one of us, if we give in to hate now, if we speak of "sides" instead of speaking for every man and woman.”. Thankfully Buddhism gives you a way to peace without the need to fight yourself. Love and peace, it sounds cliche; but I find it the best way to live life every single day.
I repent so I can love more tomorrow.