I’m a subscriber of the very, very wonderful subscription service Dropout.tv. I love improv and stand-up comedy and one day I randomly came across bits of the show “Game Changer” and “Make Some Noise” on the apps. I couldn’t believe the talent of these improvisers, how they be this creative and funny? My mind was blown and I subscribed to watch their entire catalog.
The premise of the show “Game Changer” is that it’s a game show, but the game changes every show. On one episode it’s a rendition of “Simon Says” called “Sam Says” (the host & CEO of the company is Sam Reich), and on another episode it’s a whodunnit kind of a detective show. Well, the latest episode is an episode where the comedians cannot be joking around and they have to be sincere, and they’re scored by their sincerity.
In this episode there were two prompts that stood out to me, and I wanted to address those two questions because I think everyone can benefit from this discussion.
The first, “what are you working on in therapy?”.
One of the comedians answered that they used to believe that they were one of those people who never got angry, but of course they just had a lot of bottled up anger; now they were working on expressing that anger in a healthy way.
This assumes that anger is a necessary part of life, which is a fine thing to believe in. If that is anyone’s worldview I have no problem with them believing it, but here’s how that is explained in Buddhism if you’re interested in that.
This relates to the middle way. The Buddha realized that when you follow all desires, you keep planting the seeds for future suffering. However, when you suppress desires it leads to stress. The middle way is to recognize that the desire is there but not to do anything with it.
Now let’s look at anger. Anger also works like a desire: when are angry, we want to express that anger. Feeling something and expressing it follow naturally hand in hand, but is it guaranteed that when we’re angry we must follow up by acting angry? Not necessarily.
Like the comedian said, there are people who get angry but don’t express it. But this means the anger has already happened inside of them. Expressing it in a healthy way is, following the dichotomy along the middle way, still a form of doing something with the anger. Buddhism teaches you to just observe the anger as is, but don’t provoke it or suppress it.
So as long as anger exists, we are at the mercy of what we do with the anger. When we make one wrong move and react to the anger one way or another (expressing it or suppressing it), we’re due for one more round of suffering. Which motivates the question, are we doomed to this fate? Why do we get angry? Is there a reason to be angry, a good motivation for us to be angry?
There are certain desires that are unavoidable in life, like the desire to eat and sleep. There are other desires that are optional in life, like wanting to amass a great fortune or experience a specific kind of thrill. What do you think anger is, if you had to give an answer? Many people believe anger is unavoidable in life. And while that is a fine thing to believe, I want to ask you to verify that belief.
Is anger unavoidable? Is there no way in this life where we’re not angry?
You may come to an answer to that question again. But I’m asking you to verify that answer one more time. Is it true that anger is unavoidable? Regardless of what your answer is, I think that is a great question to keep close to your heart as you ponder happiness in this lifetime.
The second, “Tell Santa what you want for Christmas”.
A female comedian sat on Santa’s lap and whispered something to Santa and he replied, “Boy, I wish that was within my control”. What she wished for was “the industry to be kinder to women”. Life as a woman is already life surrounded by ten thousand eyeballs that judge them constantly, but what happens when your industry is all about getting even more eyeballs to judge you constantly? This wish is earnest and makes sense to wish for.
But I have to ask Santa, is this really out of your control? Is this wish truly outside of our control?
In a kind world, everybody plays a role. The definition of a kind world is a world where everybody is kind. Or I guess everybody in general is kind and being a dick is an exceptional case. I’m in the field of software engineering and life coaching, and if I’m a dick then I contribute to a dick world if the majority of the world is a dick; I contribute to making the world more dickish if the majority of the world is kind.
If everybody is kind, I can’t do anything to make the world kinder. The word “kinder” already implies there’s room for improvement. So in a dickish world, if I drop the dickishness and become kind then I am making the world kinder.
Here’s the addendum: if my kindness affects another person so it motivates THEM to be kind as well, I’ve further made the world a kinder place. The comedian is already someone who is kind to women in the industry, and through her actions she’s made other people in the industry consider this viewpoint and be impacted by the invitation to be kinder. So she DID in fact make the industry kinder to women, without even realizing it!
Coincidentally I’ve had client discussions around both of these topics today, sometimes life just makes everything timely. I actively invite you to question your anger and make the world a kinder place for everyone.