There was a period of my life when I was a very bitter person. Physical violence was a great influence in it, I think. It’s not that I was particularly violently beaten or anything like that but growing up in the southern portion of 90’s Korea… It was just a violent time to be a kid. There were all kinds of violence, kid-to-kid, parent-to-kid, teacher-to-kid, and so on.
When class was rowdy and the teacher had it with the kids’ rowdiness, we would all get physically punished. We’d line up in a single file and take turns doing a plank so the teacher could hit us with a large stick. Some teachers just hit the butt but the really evil teachers hit the glam line (glute-hamstring area), man that shit would hurt.
But not always did the physical punishment get applied equally. Some teachers would run out of time, some would play favoritism, some would get tired during hitting and lose their steam near the end. Same at home for many of my friends; some parents beat their kids equally while some parents played favoritism. This kind of inequality really sets the stage for bitterness because it’s such a clear example of the world not being fair.
This isn’t just a Billy-exclusive thing; this spite that comes from unfair physical punishment is experienced by practically any Korean in my age group. I was hit 10 times, but why did you only get 5? With this kind of logic based on fairness, we would try to hurt each other.
Bitter people tend to want the same kind of pain they’re experiencing on other people. This could be explained as jealousy or envy, but this phenomena I’m talking about today — it’s less about my feeling bad from my observation of other people, it’s more about me actively wanting other people to suffer like I do.
Note: I’m not talking about hatred and bitterness in general, this is an observation about this specific kind of suffering.
This happens in discussions around racism and geopolitical conflicts as well. We want our oppressors to know what it is like to suffer from oppression. Then there are people who want more peaceful resolutions and this is an eternal power battle between the centrists and extremists. Like Professor X and Magneto or MLK Jr. or Malcolm X.
This is why there are people who celebrate deportations to foreign prisons. To them, the illegal immigrants came and unrightfully squatted in our great nation causing pain and suffering to us; and they need to understand what it is like to SUFFER like we did. Logic and reality aside, this is the lived experience behind celebrations of such policies.
But ultimately, why do we want the other party to suffer like we did? What is the end result we are seeking by desiring this? When they get what they did to us, or when they finally get fair punishment like we did, what happens next?
Then they will be able to understand us.
In the end, we want to harm others or we want others to experience the pain we went through because only then will they truly understand what we are going through in pain. And when they come to an understanding, we can finally be on the same page and be in peace.
Which means, this whole effort is a convoluted path towards peace and happiness. And don’t get me wrong, this can be a way to get to peace and happiness. But is this the only way, and is this the happiest way to get to happiness?
When we are the ones who are experiencing the pain and suffering first, we are by no means required to carry the burden of preventing future instances of this pain and suffering. After all, we can be victims of circumstances no matter how hard we try not to be one.
But if we had the choice of fervently wanting to equalize the world by inflicting pain and suffering to others just as we have received it versus wanting to prevent this kind of pain and suffering even though WE have suffered through it — what do you think will be the happier option?
Sometimes happiness requires us to think counter-intuitively against our instincts. That is precisely why Buddha said that suffering is one of the three marks of existence; our default way of living and interacting with the world makes us prone to suffering because we don’t see the truth of non-inherent nature and impermanence.
As we work against our instinct, it can feel like that itself is suffering. Only once we clearly realize that we are unconsciously headed for suffering and we can intentionally steer away from it, can we stop suffering and can we stop thinking that living for happiness is hard and difficult.
If you are on your path to happiness, I would love for you to consider taking a happy path. There’s nothing stopping you from taking on a happy path, you’re not bound to a path of suffering to land in happiness.