I wrote this post on LinkedIn about the topic of responsibility, and today I want to expand a bit more on this topic.
If you've been in the professional workforce for some time, you've definitely had the experience of wanting to quit. Just leaving the job, fuck that two week notice! You want to get yourself out of that environment.
I've been there before, for sure. But what is it we ACTUALLY want from quitting? Do we want to tell our boss to suck it? You could do that, but even when you actually quit you don't actually do that. Do we want to tell our coworkers how we really feel? You can do that without quitting and many people do navigate workplaces relationships while staying in the company.
With a persistent urge to quit, what we really seek is this escape. Escape from responsibilities. If we are fine with burning bridges, we can definitely tell our boss to suck it because we won't have anything to be responsible for. Working would feel like quitting if we had no responsibilities at work and nothing was at stake. We could err, we could misspeak, we could feel FREE without responsibilities and consequences.
The tricky thing to navigate here is, you definitely may be putting on more responsibilities than you need at your work. If you can just focus on the things you need to do and not feel the urge to overextend your responsibilities that aren't asked of you, you could have a much better time at work.
But what makes this more difficult than it sounds? Our culture of implicitly labeling "people who don't give 150%" == "slacker". But what makes this culture happen in the first place? Employers wanting the best out of their employees because they are hiring people to do a GOOD JOB in the first place.
We can go on and on to find the root cause of everything, and spoiler alert: it will come back to the human condition of desire. But for YOU, what matters is this: if you want to quit all the time, you can greatly benefit from examining your responsibilities. At the bottom line, what are you willing to be responsible for and what are you willing to let go if the need arises?
In the original article, I stopped here. Let’s continue this line of thought. What should we be responsible for, what should we be able to drop? The answer is deceptively simple: the things we WANT to be responsible for.
The answer is deceptive in two layers. First, it sounds selfish. Second, isn’t the whole point of happiness not wanting things? When I unpack the word want, there are two buckets of wants: wants where my happiness depends on it, and wants that are independent of my happiness.
I am writing these every day because I want to. But it has no impact on my happiness if I can’t write for a day, in fact two days ago I didn’t write because I wanted more people to take the time to do the quiz I created. Many of my clients tell me that they love reading my writings, and of course it’s nice to hear that. In fact I almost cry when you tell me that I inspire you to write and I get to read writings from you.
But that’s not why I do it.
These writings are precious to me. But you have no reason to believe they are precious to you. If I’m writing this FOR YOU, I would be very upset when you 1) don’t read these, 2) unsubscribe, 3) find them unhelpful, 4) think they’re a waste of your time, and the list continues. In the end I will regret: Why did I spend so much time doing these things that nobody is appreciating, when I did it for them?
That is a highway to suffering and I don’t want to live like that. Even if nobody reads these I will write. Even if everybody unsubscribes from my emails I will still write because I want to write.
Talking about the second point: I want to write because I am interested in cultivating the ability to express myself in different ways. But what if I do things because I want to make money? In that case I need to inquire a bit deeper into myself: why do I want more money?
What does money allow for me? If the answer is “a better version of myself than right now”, then this is inevitably a recipe for suffering because how can I be happy right now when I’m always living a worse version of the future?
I’m offering my upcoming program The Middle Way because I want to work with people. But why do I want to work with people? If the answer is something along the lines of “because then I’ll feel like a real coach delivering value to people”, that already admits that right now I don’t feel like a real coach. So when people don’t sign up, I am going to confirm my negative beliefs about the present and do I have any other option but to suffer?
I don’t want to live in a worse version of the future. I want to live in the best present moment. But this doesn’t mean I can’t want things from the future. I want to relieve suffering from people’s lives because I found my own happiness in any condition, and it’s a great state to be in. While I am independent of circumstance for happiness, many aren’t and I want others to be happy too.
But others’ happiness isn’t dependent on me. It’s up to them, but I still want to do my part in making happiness more accessible to them. I keep trying because trying itself is meaningful to me.
When the trial is meaningful, in the worst case I’ll stay the same. But the current state is happy for me, so that’s not a problem. In the best case something will come true. That’s great for me too. It’s a win-win situation. Isn’t that great? Just from simply doing what you want to do.
Other people won’t live for you. You have to live your life for yourself. You can just be responsible for the things you want to be happy. I can’t be responsible for the happiness of the entire United States; heck I can’t even be responsible for the happiness of my own home. I can only be responsible for myself.
Live big. What I mean is, suppose you’re about to donate to a GoFundMe for a good friend / good cause. You could chip in the regular amount that most people do, but you find that the campaign is almost 100% reached if you contribute just a little bit more.
I want you to find that version of you inside that says, “Fuck it, let me complete this campaign”. That bigness; offering to pick up your friend’s lunch tab. Offering to clean not just in front of your apartment but the beach. Offering to go the extra mile because YOU want to.
And with that bigness, be responsible for your life.
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
