I was scrolling Reddit like I usually do and came across this post:
So what was it? It was a communication device that works off of some longer range radio wave and it works on planes. Ok, mystery solved; I would just move on from this post. But for some reason I found myself lingering over this post, as I got this giant hit of nostalgic pain.
If you’ve been following me for some time you’d know that my Substack used to be named Anxious Insecure, because that’s what I was. The communication device reminded me of something from childhood, more specifically about this archaic piece of technology called PAGERS.
Yes, the thing that doctors use for emergencies. It was all the rage in Korea during the late 90’s and I don’t know why but it had the status of modern day smartphones (the part I don’t understand is, how can it reach that status when it’s an asynchronous, unidirectional communication device?!).
One day my sister decided to ask (more like whine) for one and she was able to get it. My sister was a charismatic person, she always drew people to her and because of that she had a lot of friends and in general people who were drawn to her. I always saw her pager go off and I don’t remember thinking this but I must have admired that from observation.
Then one day cell phones came out and my sister grew out of the pager era. As younger siblings typically do, I got her pager and now I was finally one of the cool kids! I have a pager now! Then came the crippling moment of realization: Nobody wants to page me.
It’s a simple statement, “Nobody wants to page me” but I remember holding the pager in my hand, telling my classmates I had a pager now, and watching them move on from the topic with disinterest. It felt like time was suddenly moving in a slow frame camera view and that silence, that silence of vacuum where nothing was happening gave me all the time to feel absolutely horrible about the fact that NOBODY WANTS ME.
Which is super dramatic if I think about it now, but I had never felt anything that intensely before. This sounds odd but uh, have you ever been hit before? Growing up in the violent ages of Korea I remember being hit and it hurting a lot. Then there’s all the times you remember being hit by a particular person for the first time. I remember when I got hit by a teacher for the first time, my parents for the first time, and on.
But those are physical pain and sensations, and being not wanted is a completely psychological pain and sensation. I was feeling that for the first time and it hurt a lot. All of that was stored in my heart and in 2026 at age 38 I remember it as if I’m feeling it right now.
I talked about this with my wife, and feelings usually tend to surface up adjacent feelings and memories when it’s verbalized and felt. And what I remembered as I was talking to my wife was, this is exactly what I felt when I first launched my anti-procrastination group program that I had no one to sell to. I didn’t recognize this feeling at the time but now that I had gotten better at sensing my feelings I understood that they were one and the same.
My Dharma teacher says this about not feeling wanted. There’s no problem with not feeling wanted; it’s when you WANT to be wanted, it becomes a problem. He usually says this when he’s talking about bullying. Many come to him for trauma incurred through bullying, and he asks this.
Do you, out of your free will, want to hang out and be associated with people who bully the weak? Beat them up? Curse at them?
If you don’t want to hang out with them, when they aren’t interacting with you do you want to go up to them and invite yourself to be their friend? Or would you rather stay far and not be associated with them?
If you don’t want to be associated with them out of your free will, then why are you considering this YOU being bullied by THEM? When it’s actually you not wanting to be around them?
The answer is, because unconsciously you want to be with them. Unconsciously you admire them and think being part of their pack is better than being by yourself.
My loneliness, overwhelming loneliness, is only a problem because I want to be charismatic like my sister. I want to be popular, I want to be loved, I want to be cherished like her.
This is the part that’s often misunderstood. I don’t need to be loved now at my current state. But at the same time, Billy from the past yearns to be loved. I don’t need the past Billy to change, I don’t need the past Billy to disappear. Now I can look out for the little Billys in the world right now and give them the love and attention then want.
Having all the versions of me in the past is a blessing. You might not see it that way but at the very least it’s not a reason to suffer. I hope you can see it at least in this way.
Billy Seol
July Life Coach
julylifecoach.com
