My old coach asked me:
Are you trying to be a life coaching YouTuber or a video company?
I had been struggling with my YouTube channel for months with no videos to show. Why? Well, because for every video I have to shoot it with a dedicated 4K camera, move the footage over to my computer, edit it with transitions and effects, manually caption everything, export it, upload it, apply SEO descriptions and appropriate hashtags, and create a catchy title and an artistic thumbnail...
It had never crossed my mind that I could just create a video on my phone. After all, the most important part of being a life coaching YouTuber is that I have a YouTube channel with videos about life coaching. The rest are optional.
This is my story of perfectionism. We’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives. We learn it when we’re “forced” to do things in school, graded on them, and judged without our consent. Unfortunately we don’t ever unlearn it; it sticks with us into adulthood and it prevents us from doing the things we actually want to do.
Summer is a good time to reconnect with your creative side. Whether you’re going into your summer holidays or enjoying your iced tea outside, I’d love for you to start doodling in your sketchbook or pick up that guitar again. As you feel that familiar feeling of freeze come up again, you’ll know exactly what to do with this inaugural edition of Moim, the July Life Coach Zine.
Billy's Two Cents
The Truth About Perfectionism
Clarity on topics around perfectionism
I think perfectionism stems from some important confusions. Let's break those down.
Confusion #1: My output defines me.
Let's make one thing clear. Your output is an expression of you in a moment in time. The song you sing, the music you play, the art you make. They can be entertaining, they can be captivating, or they can be forgettable. But regardless of whether they get recognized or not, one thing remains constant: they are an expression of you.
If a momentary snapshot of you defines you, that means you are still a first grader. That means you are still being potty trained. We are an ever changing, streaming much like a subatomic particle. The more we define ourselves by a certain moment, the more we lose focus on our trajectory over time; the more we define ourselves by our trajectory, the more we lose focus on who we are at the moment.
Confusion #2: Others define the value of my output.
We established that our output is an expression. But what is the value, the worth of our expression? What is the worth of a water bottle at a liquor store, and why does it differ from the worth of a water bottle at an amusement park or an airport?
The confusion makes it sound like we define the value of our output. But that is still suffering from the same confusion, because there is no absolute, universal value system. Something can be worth millions of dollars but have zero sentimental value. Something can be picked up at the trash yard but it can be someone's treasure.
Value is defined by the system that creates it. There is no absolute value you need to strive for. If external validation is a value you seek, that is fine but we have to be clear in our understanding that the value you seek is not necessarily the ultimately meaningful value.
Confusion #3: My goal as a X is to be a good X.
So we create expressions of ourselves at a certain time and it has no inherent value. Then what's the point? If you're contemplating this, I think this is a good time to tell you: THERE IS NO POINT! You don't have to do it if you don't want to.
When you look at yourself in isolation, you may find less reasons to do something since there is no absolute point. But as you look at the world and the people around you, you find that your expressions of yourself can be of vital help to others.
The food I cook is an expression of myself at a moment. It can also feed a hungry person who is in dire need of sustenance. Imagine withholding my food from a hungry person because I think the food is not good enough. How cruel would it feel from the receiving end?
Your goal as a painter, musician, writer, hobbyist, rock climber, and whatever else is to express yourself in those ways. With that expression, let the world find a use for it so that it serves a vital purpose to another person.
Bold Action For This Month, According To Billy:
I don't think I've ever met somebody who doesn't want to travel more. But even the desire to travel can succumb to the powers of perfectionism.
A travel doesn't have to mean an international flights or cross-continental drives. Take a look at some local destinations for day trips, or even smaller than that: take a look at your surroundings from the perspective of a tourist. You'll get to appreciate everything from a new perspective!
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📍Unshaming Spotlight
“Perfectionism comes from a deep desire to be loved—and to show love. Being a perfectionist means you care.”
Unshaming witness Chloe Van Dooren shares self-love with perfectionism.
When my friend and Buddhist coach Billy asked me to write something about perfectionism through my “unshaming” lens, I felt happy. I love this topic, and I was glad he thought of asking me.
“When do I need to send this to you?” I asked him last Sunday.
“Next week!” he replied.
It’s now Friday of “next week,” and I’ve only just started working on the text—even though I had plenty of time to do it earlier. Why? (Spoiler alert: the answer is related to today’s topic)
Yes… My procrastination had everything to do with perfectionism. I waited all week because I was trying to avoid the discomfort of actually having to do it “as well as I could.”
Yet when Billy talked about procrastination on his IG Stories the other day, I bombarded him with my thoughts in a matter of minutes. At the time, I was coach-potatoeing—half-watching a TV show, half-absorbed by my phone.
It was easy and flowy when I was being spontaneous—when there were no expectations, nothing official.
It became hard the second it turned into an “assignment.”
I’m sure you know what I mean.
The rise of the inner critic
Remember when you were a child and drew a very abstract portrait of your mom—and everyone lovvvvved it? Then suddenly, you were thrown into school, praised when you passed a test, and punished when you didn’t.
Your inner system shifted from “my people love me no matter what I create” to “my people love me only when I get good grades.” Society’s system began sneaking into your own.
Meritocracy slowly built an inner critic, one that tells you you won’t be loved unless you do things perfectly (a.k.a. 10/10).
As long as this critic roams freely in your mind, it will never give you a break. Because in real life, getting a 10/10 is impossible. Objective perfection doesn’t exist.
That’s why so many of us procrastinate.
Procrastination is a clever way to try to avoid the critic’s sting (even if it just ends up giving him a new bone to chew on. We all know the drill: “Ugh, now you’re procrastinating? You're so lazy.” Blah.)
The rebellion strikes back
If you want to actually do the things you care about, you need to start a little rebellion against your inner critic.
1. Let him sleep.
Notice the kinds of situations where your critic leaves you alone. In my case, he was nowhere to be found when I was chatting with Billy on Instagram. Usually, he disappears when I’m spontaneous, joyful, and not trying to “perform.” I bet it’s the same for you.
So… how can you sprinkle more of that carefree energy into your life?
2. Defend yourself when he attacks.
When the critic is awake, pay attention to how it feels in your body. For most people, it shows up as tension. Try playing with it. Embody the tension fully. Become the tensest character that ever existed. Make a tense face. Tense your body. Then see what happens.
How would this character respond to the critic’s accusations?
Last time I did this, I became Sangoku—ready to kick some ass. Sangoku would never let anyone tell him he sucks without standing up for himself. He’s power in action.
Don’t kill the messenger
Now that we’ve dealt with the critic, we still have one more thing to unshame: perfectionism itself.
These days, perfectionism gets a bad rap. We’re constantly told to “embrace mistakes” and “stop caring about what other people think.”
So much so that we start to feel ashamed that—even after reading all those inspirational quotes—we STILL want to do things perfectly.
But that desire? It’s worth celebrating.
Perfectionism comes from a deep desire to be loved—and to show love. Being a perfectionist means you care.
And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
In a nutshell…
When a perfectionism attack hits:
→ Start by celebrating your loving nature—the part of you that wants to do things well.
→ Let your inner Sangoku kick your critic’s ass and remind you of how powerful and amazing you are. You’ve got this.
→ Then, ask your inner creative child what they’d do if they could take the lead. They already know they’ll be praised no matter what.
And just so they’re sure of it—
I’m praising you no matter what. 😉
Check out Chloe's wonderful world of unshaming on her Substack and Instagram.
Try Something New, According To Chloe:
My favorite activities are the ones that makes it easy to connect with others + using creativity, I really like theater improv for that.
Or writing workshops were you share your writings at the end...
Or group singing!
🥗 Food & Energy
Energy of Perfectionism
Psychic & Chef Teresa Reiland shares her observations around the energy of perfectionism.
One way to think about energy is the direction it is moving in. Is the energy moving upward or downward? Is it moving toward the center or is it moving out and expanding? Is it moving slowly or fast? Does it feel like it has stopped? Does it feel dispersed?
When I think about perfectionism the first thing I think of is a quality of contraction or pressure. I don’t really need to know the source or what is causing the perfectionism. I can simply know the quality of it on an energetic level and work with it from that place. I can work with the energy of it. The specific qualities of your perfectionism may have some nuance, but I think this perspective will provide some things to think about.
Perfectionism often prevents movement. There is a tight, inward quality as we try to hold something in or mold something to our ideal. It holds aspects of control. One example is when we don’t say something because we are afraid it might come out wrong or we are afraid of how it might be perceived. We hold it inside and this creates pressure. The longer we hold it, and keep the energy from moving, the more pressure builds up. That’s why so often the antidote to perfectionism is relaxation and movement.
I think movement in any area of our lives, or our body, can help the energy flow. That’s why if you feel stuck in your flow of content, going for a walk in nature, or changing your environment, will often help. Even if they don’t seem directly related. Writer’s block? Find a new place to write. I get more creative flow in a bustling coffee shop than at my desk at home. The movement around me helps relieve some of the pressure. If you are nervous about a hard conversation, talking while walking or doing the dishes together can help. Instead of sitting still.
To ease perfectionism you can add activities or foods that can increase relaxation and add gentle movement or flow. Be mindful that you don’t add more pressure. Be curious. Experiment. Try new things and see what happens.
You may already know ways your body likes to increase relaxation and flow. I think of walking on the beach, the sounds of nature, a bath and slow stretching. But what about watching a funny movie, spending time with friends, laying down under a tree and listening to birds, the smell of lemons or oranges, blowing bubbles, rose quartz.
Ideas for foods to include:
- Mild sweet vegetable dishes, like creamy pureed squash soups, are lovely for relaxing our core.
- A brothy, low salt noodle soup is nice.
- A bean soup using big beans, like cannellini, and lots of vegetables cut small. This has a relaxing, nourishing and comforting quality.
- Lightly blanched vegetables that are still a little crunchy are great for releasing pressure in the body. I love cooking green beans and sugar snap peas this way.
- Fresh berries can be nice. Lightly cooked pear or apple.
- Mushrooms are relaxing. You can make a mushroom tea.
- Chamomile tea. Or try a sleepy time blend which can be great to relax the nervous system any time of the day.
Avoid these foods that tend to increase pressure and reduce movement in the body:
- Baked, hard, dry foods like crackers or chips.
- Ice cold drinks or foods.
- Be moderate with salt.
- Reduce dense and/or salty animal foods.
- Find ways to alleviate constipation.
Releasing perfectionism calls for us to hold curiosity and compassion for ourselves and to release some of that pressure rather than adding more. I think alleviating pressure and creating more movement in any area of your life will help.
One last note that I received from my guide team: One of the principles of nature is that everything changes. Trying to make something perfect is really like trying to get something to stay still. Like a snapshot. We can work to get something absolutely the way we want it, but in the next moment it will change. So it’s kind of futile and goes against the natural flow of nature. Do you want to work that hard? And also, something that is “perfect” has no vitality or life force to it. It will fall flat energetically because it is totally one-dimensional. If we want to connect to another human, there needs to be energy to create resonance.
